Nobody Funny Status Messages

   There's a difference between being funny and being annoying.

   I GOT ALL KINDS OF B1TCHES!!! German shepards, chihuahuas, dobermans, poodles...

   Mosquitoes are just vampire flies.

   Never trust anyone that is nice to you, but rude to the waiter.

   When people ask me "Plz" because it's shorter than "Please" I tell them "No" because it's shorter than "Yes."

   I don't drink so that I'm more fun to be around. I drink so that you're more fun to be around.

   I want to explore every inch and curve or your anatomy; I want to become fluent in YOUR body language.

   Just place a STUDENT DRIVER sticker on top of your car, and suddenly no one suspects you of drunk driving at 8am.

   One of the biggest lies ever: The doctor will be with you in a couple of minutes.

   I will always cut through a gas station parking lot to avoid a red light.

   You should know you'll get loud when you start drinking. It says right there on the label, "Alcohol by volume."

   I would say that one day you'll be working for me, but I don't have any intention on running a strip club.

   You know you're getting old when you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

   The world is not full of a$$holes. BUT, they are strategically placed so that you are sure to bumb into at least one every day.

   I wanna apologize for my behavior yesterday. I take allergy medicine and you're not suppose to mix it with 16 shots of tequila

   Monday must be male. It always comes too fast.

   Seen on a prison wall: "VIRGINITY - who says you can only lose it once?"

   What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?............ The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.

   Statistically 60% of people use their mobile phone to cheat on their partners. Personally I prefer to use my pen!s.

   You know you've been friendzoned if a girl adds you as her brother on Facebook.