MG Funny Status Messages

   A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.

   nothing tears a family apart like pack of wild dogs.

   Sorry, I've just been taken by surprise, am not sure when he'll bring me back.

   National Atheist's Day April 1st

   If you want your children to listen to you, try talking softly to someone else

   A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?" "Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

     When did I realize I was God? Well I was praying, and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

   If God is inside us, then I hope he likes enchiladas

   It is what I is, it was what it was, and it shall be what it shall be.

   Since I just finished my 4th glass of this wonderful spirit, all status updates, texts, private messages, and voice mails from me are now considered null and void.

   Facebook makes stalking that special someone so much easier.

   The good thing about Facebook is you can make someone disappear from your FB world by simply deleting and blocking the annoying offender. To accomplish the same thing in the real world, you have to find a remote location and take the time to dig a shallow

   clearly, it is wrong to describe woman's menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.

   Wife says; "If your fantasy is to have 2 women in bed you cn forget it because I won't do it!" Me; "You wasn't one of the two in the fantasy anyway so, I am good with that." Wife; (・_・)ノ”(ノ_<)

   Diamonds for sale....$50 million shipment just in.

   To my wonderful niece; when you tell people I am the "funny uncle" could you please make sure you mention that you mean "ha ha" funny and not "(⊙_⊙)" funny...people are starting to give me the stink eye. :-/

   The number of people killed because alcohol is easily offset by the number of people conceived because of alcohol.

   I lost my mood ring and now I don’t know how I feel about that.

   I'm not impatient...I just don't like to wait.

   I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."