JOser Funny Status Messages

   Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. --

   would explain my awesomeness to you, but your brain would just explode...

   When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?

   Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

   If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   In my office there's a light switch that doesn't do anything... Every so often, I turn it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Stop that!"

   If a transvesite goes missing, would youu put their face on a carton of Half and Half?

   Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids...

   Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)

   went to Barnes & Noble and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose...

   He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.

   No one likes a smartass. Especially another smartass. Unless they have their own TV show, then they're a comic genius.

   Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement

   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

   Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear...

   C.R.E.A.M. - Coffee Rules Everything Around Me

   The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music...

   Leadership: The art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.

   I showed my iPad to my iPod, and he was all "what's up fatty".

   going to keep his Facebook account but delete his real life...