JC Funny Status Messages

   I'm convinced this formula is correct: big car stereo = small wiener

   I can't believe I wasn't paying attention at 1:11 on 1/1/11. Argh. I waited all my life for that to happen. Darn, darn, darn it. 2:22 on 2/2/22 just won't be the same.

   it bad that I just lit the cigarette of the pregnant woman I just bought a drink for?

   I think Facebook needs another relationship type: Domestic Incarceration

   The older I get, the older old is.

   Went grocery shopping this morning. I noticed that the bottle of household bleach I bought has a safety seal on its opening. Glad my floors or toilet won't be poisoned. Interestingly, however, my toothpaste does not have a safety seal. Thanks Uncle Sam!

   there a better scream-along song than Journey's Don't Stop Believin'?

   As a fast driver, I have certain rules when I come to a red light intersection with two or more lanes. In order of importance: Never get behind a: 1) A semi, bus or large truck, 2) Drivers with grey hair, 3) A Prius (or other hybrid), and 4) A mini van

   The month of March - In like a lion, out like a lamb. A ferocious, saber-toothed, axe-wielding, lamb. Brrrrr...

   When I say, "I never do that"...what I mean is "I haven't done that in the past five minutes."

   Don't make me go all CAPS LOCKS on you...

   If I blocked you on Facebook, what makes you think I want to talk to you in real life?

   Do you remember Sit and Spin? No, not the toy... your early drinking days.

   For those of you who won't be joining us in Heaven tomorrow but going to the other place below, Pauly Shore will be the guest on The View.

   I use my cell phone as backlighting at night when I flip someone off so they can better see my finger.

   I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty confident I could win a spelling be.

   I find it astonishing I can remember every wordto Wild Wild West by Will Smith, which I haven't heard in 10 years, but can't find my keys

   I read today that 99% of women don't like men in leather pants. That is convenient...because 99% of men in leather pants don't like women.

   "I now pronounce you, "husband and what the hell did I just do..."

   Tom has a lot of space. He named his website very accurately.