Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Just got a letter from one of those traffic light cameras. No ticket; just a picture of me with the caption "Nice shirt, douche bag."

   I'm so out of shape, I threw my back out taking a poop!

   For the past 20 years I've been trying to figure out how to "Stop" Collaborate" and "Listen"

   I'd be a terrible fireman, if anyone said their roof was on fire I'd tell'em "You don't need no water, let the mutha f'er burn!"

   I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"

   i farted at work today, and a co-worker complained about the smell. Its air passing over $h!t what'd you expect it to smell like?!

   just read that women are smarter than men. Really?! Have you ever met a man that "fell in" the toilet in the middle of the night?

   If a stranger starts talking to you in an elevator, just say: "I don't want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you" that'll shut 'em up.

   I'm pretty sure that just before I get to Walmart some mental institution drops off its patients to go shopping

   Sometimes I text my mom just because the thought of her staring puzzled at her phone trying to find her texts is difficult to resist

   If, at any point, you stopped for Hammer Time, I think it is now safe to proceed

   Driving home today I saw a guy in a pink snuggie jogging. Sadly that's not the craziest thing I've seen in this town.

   When people say “I'm not getting any younger!” I wonder what other basic life concepts they just figured out

   the royal wedding is as close to porn for females as you're ever gonna see...except Twilight

   I hate Walmart. The men's bathroom doesn't have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out

   Saw an ad in the paper about making money buying abandoned self storage units. Or as I like to call it: entry level grave robbing.

   Dear Vanilla Ice, how does one rock a mic like a Vandal? By sacking Rome?

   47% of Detroit residents cannot read. No kidding, they would have read the signs welcoming them to Detroit and leave.

   I don't consider my dog my child. My child would not be able to knock you down like Ray Lewis and crush your bones with her jaw at 9 months

   When I was younger, I wanted to be a famous writer like Hemingway. I got the alcoholism down, just not the hunting and suicide part