BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women.

   I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Somebody is about to be proven wrong.

   Kidnapping? Such a harsh word. I prefer the term “surprise adoption”.

   BREAKING NEWS: "An armed lunatic stormed a gun range and killed 20 NRA members". - Said no headline ever

   Telling your woman to calm down, works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

   Ok A$$hole, just go around me. I'm already doing 40 over the limit, and I'm not speeding up. Stupid tailgater..... With your stupid flashing lights

   Part of my workout routine is that I always get hammered before I go jogging...... That way I never go jogging.

   Apparently putting Alka Seltzers in my mouth while getting "born again" and pretending I'm possessed by the Devil is not so funny to "non drunk people".

   Nice try "St. Patrick's Day", but I don't need a reason to drink!!

   The Surgeon General has declared that cigarettes can harm your children....... Fair enough. I'll start using an ashtray!

   If "thought bubbles" appeared above my head every time I ran into a moron, I'd seriously be screwed.

   You’ll never get the same results running on a tread mill as you will running from a pi$sed off Pit Bull

   When I was a kid they didn't call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "A Brat about to get an a$s whooping".

   New "Shots" Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone's face.

   Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.

   Dear Kim Jong Un, Mr Dennis Rodman didn't impress you? Well here let me introduce you to US Naval Seal Team 6!!

   I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.

   Anybody else wonder why Noah didn't swat the two mosquitoes?

   Walmart has made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing...... Walmart is going to invade Target.

   If you don't like my Facebook updates, please feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the "big news" of the day is when one of their grandkids finally took a $h!t all by themselves.