Badd status Funny Status Messages

   If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road.

   I wish I had a theme song whenever I did something awesome.

   I sure am glad they give me a lead vest when they're giving me x-rays at the dentist. It gives the impression those rays must be dangerous. I'd hate to have something bad happen to my chest while I'm having dangerous x-rays shot into my head.

   Back in the day, pirates used to raid armed ships, fight off trained swordsman for their gold, and survive on deserted islands with no other means of support. Now they sit in a chair and download movies. How far they have fallen?

   I think the part of the whole sexting craze that gives me the greatest sense of outrage is the part where I'm not involved in it at all.

   I think a great name for an energy drink would be "F5." The tagline could be, "Hit the F5 to refresh!" Bask in the warmth of my genius.

   I'd love to have sat in the marketing analysis meetings that gave us our early cartoons. "You know what America would love? A batsh*t crazy woodpecker, that's what! And a pig, a stuttering f*cking pig!"

   I think the kid's gotten too big and fat for the show to be able to call itself "Two and a Half Men" anymore.

   I have been checking facebook less and less. If this continues, I'll eventually forget about all those people for the 2nd time.

   I am REALLY good at what I do. You know, procrastinating and stuff.

   Everytime I hear strangers talking to each other in foreign languages I always automatically assume they're talking sh*t.

   Sometimes really old people scare the sh*t out of me.

   It's cute how the news wants me to stick around until 11 for the forecast. As if I didn't have 100 other ways to get that info in seconds.

   I love piecing my night together one drunk text at a time.

   Instead of tagging me in ugly pictures on Facebook, I wish you could just say "I hate you" straight to my face.

   A little boy examines his privates while in the bath. "Mommy, are these my brains?" His mother says, "Not yet."

   If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.

   Remember this next time you're about to say something stupid to me: Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.