@zubindalal1 Funny Status Messages

   Most girls: "I hangout with guys, there's less drama." Me: "I hangout by myself. There's no drama

   "You've changed" ... No, I think the proper term is "I've stopped trying to please your ass."

   My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.

   I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pi*sed. Not my fault they don't have Windows.

   I'm never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken...

   I saw a fat guy with a "M.O.B." tattoo on his arm. I asked "money over b*tches?" He said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.

   What do you call a woman that doesn't make me a sandwich? An ambulance.

   FRIDAY......My second favorite F word

   If you love somebody... Let them go. If they come back, no one wanted them

   I want an iPhone with BBM and a Nokia battery.

   If everyday is a gift, I want to know where I can return Mondays.

   How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her.

   Wearing crocs is like getting blown by a dude. Feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

   My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

   ME … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you ? My Wife... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

   Roses are red, Twitter is blue, you look bangable, so I'll follow you

   Friends: "I need a new profile picture." Me: "I need a new face."

   Sometimes you have to accept that the person you fall for isn't ready to catch you.

   If you watch an Apple store get robbed... are you an iWitness?

   Dear women, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest ..... Eat a banana!