@uxbridgeguy Funny Status Messages

   Why is it called ''beauty sleep'' when you wake up looking like a troll??

   It's called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I'd of sent a bloody letter

   A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy.. Sadly that part of me is a liar

   Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice,I'm made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine

   I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?

   Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small,large,circle,square,thin crust, thick crust,stuffed crust,extra toppings.

   Dear McDonalds cashier, dont give me that look. There’s no age limit on a happy meal. And don’t forget the toy!

   "This chick on Instagram posts so many pictures of her boyfriend I feel like I’m dating him."

   Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.

   Suggestion for Mark Zuckerberg: When someone defriends me on Facebook, a picture of my bare butt pops up on their screen

   Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit the propeller on the way down.

   How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google’s homepage.

   Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.

   Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call

   I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.

   However lonely you feel, you’re never alone… There are literally millions of bugs, mites, and bacteria living in your house.

   “you look tired” is the politically correct way of saying “you look like crap”

   You know you're getting old when everything either dries up or leaks

   Inspirational thought: One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right?

   When I hear someone complain that their towns are boring with nothing to do, all I hear is a boring person who doesn't know how to have fun.