@topherjordan Funny Status Messages

   If I never use a smiley face in any of the texts I send you.....it's safe to say I don't like you.

   My objective is to die young...as late in life as possible...

   The key to forgiving somebody is to remember that not everyone is perfect like you.

   I just saved a TON of money on Christmas presents by discussing politics on Facebook.

   If there is an afterlife, I will spend all of it in the statistics archives looking up how many beers I drank, hours I spent on fb, etc...

   I'm only going to be online until I get off.

   I found a big piece of pie in the fridge late last night with a note that said, "Don't eat me"....Now there's an empty plate with a new note that says, "Don't tell me what to do!"

   If you posted that worthless legal disclaimer on your Facebook page, you might also want to post that you won't be signing autographs when you get off of work at 5 today.

   I hate it when I don't know what I'm talking about and you try and correct me!

   Where there is alcohol, there is a way.

   This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.

   Due to those 5 extra minutes of sleep I got because of the snooze button I'm not even tired anymore --Said no one ever!

   I consider myself a social drinker....which means I'm pretty much social all the time.

   I'm eating nothing but comfort food tonight...cookies, ice cream, pizza. I don't even care, but I think I'm starting to like food way more than people.

   Why am I still up? No wait, better yet, why am I still sober?

   When you think about it, it's probably best not to think about it.

   The best part about shopping at Wal-Mart is getting the whole soap/personal care section all to yourself.

   Your bra is the biggest liar I know.

   My Christmas tree isn't the only thing that's getting lit this time of year.

   Friendly Christmas Reminder: If you're telling a joke to a group of family members and friends, and no one laughs, there is NO need to REPEAT the joke a second time!