@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   X FACTOR FANS! If you're missing Gamu, don't worry! From next Wednesday you'll be able to sponsor her for £3 a month!

   When they get the Chilean miners out, can we put the Go Compare guy in?

   As the 13th miner was about to surface, the sky news presenter described Carlos Barrios as being single, is also a taxi driver and likes horse racing. It's a f-king rescue operation not blind date!

   When I was younger I always felt like I was a boy trapped in a woman's body. However, that changed when I was born.

   can't believe no-one has come up with a cure for anorexia yet. Surely it must be a piece of cake...

   Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; if I die before I wake ... will someone please delete my internet browser history.

   Remember, a doggie isn't just for Christmas... it's a f-kin good position all year round!

   My friend says my jokes don't make any sense and the punchlines are too obscure. Which is quite funny really when you consider his uncle used to grow his own onions.

   Female drivers: The reason people look both ways when crossing a one way street.

   BBC Sport: "Liverpool want Fanni" - Don't we all.

   If a person from Iceland and a person from Cuba have a baby together, would it be considered an ice cube?

   I bought a book entitled, 'An idiot's guide to saving money'. It was only £39.99.

   I was an accountant from the age of twenty to the age of thirty before I was sacked for no apparent reason. What a waste of fourteen years.

   SKY news: 'parachute team die in plane crash'. Couldn't they just have jumped out?

   A fool proof way to find out if a girl likes ya... ring her up at 3am whilst she's asleep. If she texts you the day after and she includes LOL twice.... you've pulled.

   Kate Middleton goes to the Queen and says, ”Every time I suck William's c*ck I get acid indigestion”. The Queen replies, ”Have you tried Andrews?”

   They say that 40 is the new 30 - try telling that to a speed camera!

   BBC News: Lady Gaga drops Facebook for charity. She should also think about dropping her knickers - for clarity.

   I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping. I took my girlfriend into 8 different pubs without a drink, and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.

   I just bumped into my sexy neighbour. She said, "Hows the little one, getting big I expect?" I said, "Yep, it must be the f-kin tight tops you wear!".