@ballysboots Funny Status Messages

   I'm not saying not to trust the internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I've won, and the number of iPads I actually own...

   Me and the missus have got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80s music. Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark....

   This is a historic day today - one we will all remember. A woman on a bed with the whole of Britain watching and waiting. RIP internet porn....

   All this talk about the Royal baby is bringing back bad memories for me. Last time I was third in line for the throne I shat myself in Pizza Hut....

   After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She said,"You may not feel anything from the waist down." "Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts....

   I hate my job working in the reception at a doctors surgery. Every time I call in sick they make me come in....

   When my girlfriend was paralysed after the accident she worried about the changes it would make to her life. My concern was how would she cope now that she was single....

   It's really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...

   A girl came up to me in a bar last night and said, "Do you want me to show you a good time?" Excited, I said, "Yes." Then she ran 100m in 8.73 seconds...

   My wife texted me this morning at work asking me to 'Do her tonight.' I'm not looking forward to it though as I'm bloody useless at impressions.....

   I told my mate that I met Robert De Niro once. He said, "Really, what was your impression of him?" I replied, "You talkin' to me...?"

   I couldn't believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...

   I found a six metre roll of bubble wrap at work this morning, and my boss said, "Just pop it in the corner." Six bloody hours it took me....

   Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is this a trick question?

   I really hope that I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer....

   My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said "Fine, go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, because your not welcome anymore...."

   My girlfriend claims I try to make everything into a 'quiz'. Is that: a) weird, b) annoying, or c) unfair

   A man walks into a library and asks for a book on poor customer service. "Go f *ck yourself...." says the librarian.

   Russian and Ukrainian troops in Crimea are involved in a tense stand-off. The latest reports are that France has already surrendered....