@UncleBSolomon Funny Status Messages

   An #Asian in charge of #Transportation? Plus also being #female? I plead the 5th on the grounds of making people mad with the joke I have.

   ¡¡¡¡ǝʞɐʇsıɯ ʎq pɹɐoqʎǝʞ uɐılɐɹʇsnɐ ɐ ʇɥƃnoq ı dlǝɥ

   They say 50% of #status updates are written while sitting on the #toilet That's why I don't buy used mobile #phones .

   Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE BUTTERCUP.

   Once you go black, that frost bitten toe's gotta come off

   The truth about 9/11: it equals 0.81818182

   "I" before "e" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"

   Marriage Lifelesson: Marriage is essentially peeing with the door open and asking "What do you want for dinner?"

   President Trump should act more presidential. Instead of ignoring reporters, he should do what our current president does, and BANS THEM from the press conferences..

   Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up, on brain-dead zombies. Hang on. Sorry, wrong channel that was "The View".

   Back in my day, #Recess was where they sent us out to a rusty death trap circus,, and now people can't eat gluten.

   My new phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian. That my dear people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.

   It is times like this that make me laugh at people from the south.Hurricanes & tornados, people still go to work, Snow, deserted streets and empty grocery stores.

   The opossum, skunk, squirrel and groundhog saw their shadows today, but didn't see the .🚚 that smashed them on the highway

   Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn't leave you. Me : Really? Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

   Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder? Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..

   Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.🎩

   Some people say they have a hamster on a wheel in their head. I have 4 squirrels fighting over an acorn.

   Boss: Are you high? Me: No, I dont do drugs, it must be the dayquil . Boss: Dayquil doesn't do that . Me: Must be the moonshine then.

   driving to the ER* I told you my possum doesn't like direct eye contact. This one is on you.