@Jimboleem Funny Status Messages

   Started watching a documentary about Fort Knox but I found it really hard to get into.

   My girlfriend made me promise that when I fly home this Christmas it was her that I fantasized about during my "TSA pat down"

   F*ck your Four Loko. I swallowed my Day-Quil with 5 Hour energy & a latte & now my pet unicorn Steve & I are off to bake cheesecakes.

   I have tried it all to get my girl to call out my name in bed, but nothing has worked.My last hope now is to change my name to "Already?".

   Whenever chicks make that duck face in pictures... I like to imagine it's cause they just got donkey punched in the back of the head.

   I hate sharing a name with someone famous. I'm always telling people, "No, no! I'm not THAT Batman!"

   I learned two valuable lessons today: 1. 2. Write down valuable lessons before you smoke weed.

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loved seeing me hard at work.

   The thing guys want most for Christmas: A portrait of themselves in a karate outfit, leaning against a sweet Trans Am.

   "Eh....I'll wait for the next one." - Procrastinating Lifeguard

   So much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist

   So if the Mayans are right, does that mean this is the last Christmas to be visited by the Ghost of Christmas Future?

   Worst sex I ever had? With a girl that punched me in the face every time she climaxed.Wasn't that that bad until I realized she was faking.

   Guess who has The Addams Family theme song stuck in their head?...... You. *snap snap*

   Just read that California leads the nation in depression cases and adultery. ....What a sad state of affairs.

   What does it mean when a girl calls you 2 or 3 times every single day? I mean aside from the fact that she works for MasterCard™.

   They're making everything bigger these days. This bus is at least twice as big as the one I rode as a kid.

   If I look like I'm being bashful chances are I'm just trying to cover my nose, because when you talk I can smell your teeth dying.

   Went to the doctors today, he said ive got John McEnroe syndrome... I said..YOU CAN NOT BE SERIOUS !!!

   I don't need to watch "Desperate Housewives". I have Face book !