@1_Jack_Jacko Funny Status Messages

   Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy

   There are an alarming amount of people getting engaged or married on my Facebook recently. Got my brain ticking with how much thought and planning they must have put into it. I don't even know what I'm having for breakfast tomorrow let alone get married

   I guarantee there's a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks 'Ebola' would be a lovely name for their child.

   WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don't fcuking care

   The Like button. Also for choosing sides in a Facebook argument without saying anything

   I was in a taxi on my way to work this morning when the driver said "I love my job. I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That's really great, now take a left here."

   There's no telling what will come out a female's mouth when she's mad at you. You just gotta brace yourself and be ready for anything.

   Life is great... I don't have kids, aids or ebola.

   You can assume that, for the next 2 weeks, there is Baileys in every cup of coffee I drink.

   People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow

   If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

   Deleting my Facebook soon" = "Please give me attention and ask me why I'm deleting my Facebook account and beg for me to stay so I can feel important"

   4 years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times

   It's always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they're like, "thank you for choosing domino's"

   Stop complaining about being single on Valentine's Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald's doesn't serve breakfast after 10.30

   if my girl drops $50 while we're walking, then it's her lucky day because I'm picking it up and i'm going to be a great boyfriend and buy her lunch.....

   On Valentine's Day, yet again I'll be in the house on my own watching films and eating a takeaway with no one to talk to. I really can't see a downside

   If you don't talk in a group chat for 5 minutes you miss 42 sets of plans and 56 arguments but if you say something you don't get a reply

   69... Some might call it nasty... I call it a romantic dinner for 2

   Who else does this? 1. wets toothbrush 2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush 3. wets toothbrush again 4. starts brushing teeth