huck Funny Status Messages

   Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we're camping. With an angry bear close by.

   People who have permission to call me honey, sugar or sweetie: 1. Truck stop waitresses 2. That’s it

   Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

   A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you're hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.

   The actor Peter Cullen voiced both Eeyore AND Optimus Prime. That trivia will be in your brain forever. You're welcome.

   Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

   I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.

   Every day I live in fear or becoming an infomercial person. Yesterday I fumbled a jar of cinnamon and cried for three hours.

   In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion is like what the heck am I doing here i'm a savannah animal

   Just found out Bob Ross was once a military sergeant and now I'm picturing him yelling LOOK AT ALL THOSE HAPPY LITTLE TREES, MAGGOT

   It's funny how "You're so funny" turns into "You think everything's a joke" in just 3 months...

   I'm so old I remember when people didn't publicly express every feeling they had every moment they had it.

   Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn't socially acceptable for some reason.

   Tried meditating once but ended up taking a really great nap

   Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

   Wild horses could drag me away from anything. They're wild horses. The more important question is: who tied me to these wild horses?

   That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever.

   My exercise tape is just various clips of me driving past the gym.

   It's weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.

   I don't want to say I'm out of shape, but I can't even jog my memory without breaking a sweat.