flinnie Funny Status Messages

   If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter.

   Just once when they interview a serial killer's neighbor I'd like to hear them say "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, I told people for years he was gonna do this"

   Still waiting for what didn't kill me to make me strong.

   It is illegal to use your cell phone while driving, which is why I had this sweet rotary phone installed in my center console.

   N.W.A. didn't need the "W.A." The "N." established a pretty clear tone.

   WARNING: If you forget Daylight Savings Time ends this weekend, you may come in early and inadvertently make Monday an hour longer.

   You say never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. But sorry, I can't walk a mile in your shoes. Because you wear Crocs. And I won't be caught dead in Crocs. It's actually the reason I judge you.

   Having to poop after a shower is basically your body's way of pranking you.

   People are so quick to shoot down my conspiracy theory that the Illuminati blew up the Challenger just to ruin Punky Brewster's dreams.

   The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now."

   Sometimes you have to ask yourself if you are doing the right thing. If you can see Gary Busey doing it, chances are you should not.

   I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming "we're all gonna die!"

   Went to the movies. There must have been 400 people. Most of them were not there to see the movie, but to compete in a popcorn box and chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough

   Love is always giving more than you can spare.

   If I were homeless, I'd stand in front of other homeless dudes and hold a sign that says "He's lying."

   If you make a wish at 11:11 on 11/11/11 it will come true. Provided that your wish was to waste seconds of your life

   The old lady in line at CVS had a stray thread on her sweater. I pulled it and her entire central nervous system unraveled.

   If I were a bathroom tile salesman, my pitch would be "Think of how great this will look in the background of your social networking pics."

   Starting to think my fear of rubbing lamps is really hurting me in the genie-finding department.

   BREAKING: Penn State assistant coach Mike McQueary sent to the Pennsylvania Home for Horrible, Awful Gingers