Funny Status Messages

   I'm proud to say I'm a humble person

   If a tomato is a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie

   I just asked my buddy who's lived in Texas on a farm his whole life how many sexual partners he's been with. Strangely enough he started counting and fell asleep. O.o

   Mann life would be so much easier if we just generated all of our food into farts and never had to poop..

   What's the deal with deaf people? Like, Hello?

   That's ok. Iv'e been meaning to clean that table with a full glass of water for a while.

   I get really uncmfortable when people ask embarrasing questions about sex. Like:"Is that it?"

   It's happened: I have developed real emotions for my iPhone. Actually , It's no surprise, because I was raised by a TV and a microwave.

   Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

   My life is like this. I need a spoon but the only thing they offer are chopsticks.

   Sometimes you're the poo and sometimes you're the shoe.

   I've yet to see a pair of boots that"weren't" made for walking.

   Little known fact: Aquaman is peeing in the ocean.

   Check this one out.........1

   Porn does nothing to me but cause hard feelings anymore

   Here's a bit of advice for you....ADVI

   you know you're totally screwed when the guy who stole your identity begs you to take it back."

   If you pull up to a red light and the car next is on their phone step on the gas and brake, and watch how far they go

   Life will be good when I wake at this hour, yawn, stretch, find the cold spot on my pillow and go back to sleep because I'm retired and rich from lottery winnings.

   Why when you checkout at a liquor store do they tell you "Have a nice night". Is that not a given?