sully Funny Status Messages

   One positive lesson I've learned from this missing plane..... I'm going to start dumping my murder victims in the Indian Ocean from now on.

   Anyone up for making some "debris", throwing it into the Gulf of Mexico after midnight, and saying that we found the missing plane? #AprilFoolsJoke

   What if somebody finds the missing plane tomorrow but no one believes them because April fools....?

   What if April Fools day doesn't really exist and it's actually the longest/greatest prank the world has ever seen......?

   Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?

   The worst part of getting your Smart Car Tipped is probably trying to win enough Chuck E. Cheese tickets to get another one.....

   The barista at Starbucks gave me a free Mocha this morning! Must be a follower...... Facebook fame is finally paying off!

   Since Obama is negotiating with terrorists......... Let's offer Mexico a prisoner swap. We will give them 11.7 million immigrants in exchange for our one Marine.

   If you swap five copperheads for a rattlesnake, your kids still won't be any safer in the yard. Same with terrorists and traitors.....

   Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my "funny" status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...

   Been teaching the grandkids about taxes at DQ by eating 38% of their ice cream.......

   Merry Half-Christmas! Enjoy the holiday, everyone.....

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat........

   America. Even when we lose, we still win..... USA!!

   Paid a kid $20.00 to cut my grass - I've officially created more jobs this year than Obama.......

   Dear air conditioning: I don't think I've ever truly expressed how grateful I am for you. Now please keep cranking out that cold air.......

   My left buttcheek fell asleep. I'm Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.....

   Is it just me...., or does "Ebola" sound kind of like "Obama?"

   I think I might have a natural immunity to Ebola. I get feverish, diarrhea and vomiting symptoms most Sunday mornings....

   Excited to try this new Starbucks Nigerian Ebola Blend this morning....yum yum