flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I pretended to work all day while dreaming about big boobs

   The neighbor's baby is wearing a baseball cap. Like anyone would pick a baby for their team.

   I wonder how many calories a women burns trying to avoid sex?

   I'll never be mature enough to hear the term “natural gas” and not giggle a little.

   Futurist, writer, strategist, social media guru, comedian, consultant, entrepreneur, horny. One out of the seven is true about me.

   My wife is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and currently looking over my shoulder

   I have to remind myself this weekend there will be many Halloween parties. So don't go by instinct and start shooting zombies in the head.

   Every time a cat dies, somewhere out there "Curiosity" is high-fiving his buddies.

   Dear hot chick I just passed on the street- I wasn't looking at you, you were looking at me. Get over yourself!

   For Halloween I'm going to write "Life" on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers

   Would I bring a knife to a gunfight? Sure. Maybe some potato chips, too. I mean, they were kind enough to invite me to their fight.

   A crazy woman tried to chase down my car as I left the mall. Maybe it was the previous owner. She looked a lot like the baby in the backseat

   Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn't find a hug"

   If dogs wrote memoirs, they'd reveal their psychological problems came from having to wear Halloween costumes as puppies.

   Hey Subway, just make everything 5 dollars forever and shut the hell up.

   Halloween. When guys dress up like the psychos they actually are. And girls dress up like the sluts they swear they aren't.

   Detroit Lions players mock Tim Tebow in blowout win Sunday. Tim Tebow responded with; At least I don't wake up in Detroit.

   The Muppets took over WWE last night. In other news, Dora the Explorer is refereeing MMA Octagon Thunderdown

   Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have found a way to slow the aging process in mice. Because everyone hates old mice

   If you don't audibly fart when you're getting a security patdown at the airport, the terrorists win.