andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.

   Just my normal Saturday, trimming my bonsai tree and teachin' the new kid in my building some karate

   That girl who sells seashells by the seashore is a moron

   Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don't want to go to prison.

   In the 1984 Ratt song Round and Round, the singer belts out the lyrics "What comes around goes around. I'll tell you why." But for the rest of the song, he never DOES tell us why. So... I'm looking for some punitive damages out of this 31 year old false p

   Does anyone shoop anymore?

   It’s 2015, why don’t we have hover-boards yet?” he typed into a pocket-sized device that can do everything

   Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.

   If my attitude towards people was the same as my attitude towards dogs, I'd be a lot more tolerant of jerks if they were good cuddlers.

   if I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer couch

   FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.

   Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.

   I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.

   My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure

   The only F word out a woman's mouth that scares me is "fine."

   Some people are like eye-candy... I'm more like eye-meatloaf.

   Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't.

   Momma left strict instructions to knock you out

   Waiter, is the chicken cage-free? Yes, they've never seen a Nicholas Cage movie. Not even Con-Air?! That's a classic! Fine, I'll have the steak.

   If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.