StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   If you mix LSD with Advil your headache rides away on a dragon.

   I don't understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He's better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.

   Slept over at a kids house once in third grade. Saw him pour milk into bowl first, then cereal. Never talked to him again. He's in jail now

   So Rihanna is in a new movie playing an assassin.. If anyone knows something about being a hit woman, it's Rihanna.

   I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant. I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.

   Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?

   No matter how loud you crank the bass, it's still a minivan.

   Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP' out loud instead of just in my head.

   With so many girls pregnant at school, condoms should be on the supply list.

   I've got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let's do this!

   I'm sorry for doing a slow clap after you told me your boyfriend broke up with you

   Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.

   I love how people b*tch on h3re about stealing a stat from a webs!te or a person. Like, WTF are you doing on T Js anyway? I'm pretty sure your h3re to steal a stat.

   Just assassinated a huge spider with a slingshot and a Flinstone vitamin if anyone's looking for a bodyguard

   I prefer products that say virgin on it, like extra virgin olive oil, cause I don't want to buy a slutty oil made from slut olives.

   It's hilarious when textbooks try too hard at being racially diverse. "Brad, Latisha, Pablo and Kwan were doing a math problem..."

   Gas stations should have happy hour

   Never leave something good to find something better, because once you realize you had the best, the best has found better.

   People assume I'm smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Twix bar and they recognize my true genius.

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense