Huck Funny Status Messages

   Who else is still wearing their Halloween costume?! Didn't think I'd be keeping it on for days but everyone's really digging me as Pikachu!

   I get the same feeling at the dentist that I get when a cop car is behind me; I haven't done anything wrong, but I feel incredibly guilty.

   I read a burglar in Nova Scotia fled a crime scene in a canoe. The only way this could be more Canadian is if he was stopped by a police beaver dam.

   Preferred Forms of Contact (In Order): 1) Email 2) Text 3) Social Media 4) Group Message 5) entering My Shower in a "Scream" Mask 6) Phone

   What's worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?

   My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

   Forgot to close a finger quote. Sorry the last seven years sounded so sarcastic.

   Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.

   How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there's something seriously wrong with Eeyore

   "OK...that Trust Exercise didn't go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let's keep quiet about this...AS A TEAM!"

   FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo if you’re brave enough.

   If you can't say anything nice, at least be vague with a touch of sarcasm, so you can share it with your friends behind their back later

   "Detectives, we have a grisly murder whose investigation will be most likely result in being killed. Who's one day away from retirement?"

   "I don't see color." - A person who shouldn't eat snow

   The jerk store called. *removes hat* I'm afraid there's been an accident.

   Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make introductions

   Fact: Dogs don't like when you pet their fur in the wrong direction because it exposes the tribal tattoos they got in college

   Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop

   I save time by showing up at my doctor's appointment already wearing a paper gown

   I’m not going to judge you if you don't like football because of whatever moronic reason you think you have in your clueless head.