Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I have 3 moods: Skip every song on my iPod, let the music play without interruption, play the same song on repeat for days

   I hate exercising. I've decided that if I were meant to bend and touch my toes, I would have been born with boobs on my feet.

   If I'm guilty of anything it's loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.

   I'm not saying this insomnia is screwing me up, but I just waited 2 minutes for this stop sign to turn green.

   Mary had a little lamb. Then Mary saw a lamb chop recipe on Pinterest. Now Mary has a full stomach.

   In love, you either win someone's heart or lose your liver... !

   True love is giving your significant other a sip from your beer glass... a real f*cking small sip though... !

   On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said "When are you due?" This is why we are here...

   I always carry around a magnet in my pocket so I can find all the girls with clit rings easier.

   Whenever I feel hungry, I just log onto Facebook and like everyone's food pictures until I feel full.

   If Axel Rose don't say, "Down on your sha, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, knees." before getting a BJ... then he's not as cool as I thought he was.

   I've been hearing how nowadays 16 and 17 year old couples be spending the night at each other house. I'm not sure how y'all parents are but mine didn't play that sh*t.

   One day, the fridge will take revenge on me,.. Every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes and then walk away.

   When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

   If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.

   My coworker sent me an email that said "Meat me in the breakroom." I thought it was a typo until I saw her standing there naked.

   I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It's fun."

   Her: "Do I look, like, fat?" Brain: no, no, no, no Brain: Of course not. Brain: Say SOMETHING. Mouth: "Like a fat what?" Brain: Oh dear God

   I am Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad.

   Bored at work? Put some habanero hot sauce in the office ketchup bottle. Still bored? Pour it in the office coffee pot.