Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Any bathroom without toilet paper is a panic room.

   Whenever a stranger asks our baby's name, I always say he hasn't told us yet.

   I’m just glad it’s almost Friday! It’s almost Friday, right? Well, it’s close to Friday. It’s never going to be Friday is it?

   A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women's facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren't looking at her face.

   I've just heard the tragic news about Taylor Swift. My heart is broken for her and her family. Sending them all my thoughts and prayers. She hasn't died, she's just making more music.

   So I ordered an industrial electric motor online and modified my ceiling fan, so now I have off, high, tornado, and hurricane. And oddly, a self cleaning house now.....

   I'm not saying I'm lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my truck so I just wrote back "nah"

   "Excuse me ma'am?... I'd like to return this Birthday Suit." ... "Sir, you're naked." ... "Where's your manager!?"

   Life is like a box of chocolates, why is this box of chocolates yelling at me?

   It took a lot of persuasion and reasoning on my part at this 'all-you-can-eat' buffet, but anyway... long story short... I'm about to go down on the waitress.

   Of course absence makes the heart grow fonder. Because thats when you forget what an annoying little bltch they can be.

   I pretend to like people everyday. It’s called being an adult. That’s why we’re allowed to buy booze.

   I just got smiled at by a lovely cashier who has plenty of teeth, but clearly only brushes her favorites.

   If you can't handle me at my worst I don't blame you because I can be a total ass.

   I don't just cross the line, I f*cking set up camp there and get comfortable.

   I don't just cross the line, I f*cking set up camp there and get comfortable.

   I wish people would just listen to my advice. I have invested many years f*cking shlt up so you don't have to.

   So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4,000 times?

   Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn't awesome. THAT would be scary.

   My opinions are like farts, so hard to hold 'em in. When one slips, everyone's gonna know it and at least one person is gonna leave the room.