life Funny Status Messages

   Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

   If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

   choosing the perfect podcast to listen to for the 20 second walk taking the trash out so I don’t accidentally exist in silence for a single moment of my life

   My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I'll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life." Toddlers are cold-blooded,

   : A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

   Are there any good songs out there about life being a highway and about riding it all night long?

   "Life's too short to remove USB safely"

   just when you think life is going okay, you get the new guy at Subway

   I can’t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.

   Life is like Snapchat. You can call many people your friends, but it doesn't mean, they call you their friends.

   i signed up for the cheapest life insurance I could find, it entitles my family to a tray of Wendys hamburgers when I die

   "Here, let me suck as much life from you as possible." -jobs

   My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him "I love you so much that you're the 2nd most loved thing in my life." Aww, I thought, she's still mama's little girl. Then she finished her whisper with "But spaghetti is my favorite thing."

   If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan

   Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?

   Im sorry ladies, but life is not a fairy tale, and If you lose your shoe after midnight it means, well, you’re drunk.

   ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here! KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

   Diarrhea is just confirming the fact that you make poor life decisions.

   Does anyone know the cheat code to set life to easy mode?

   Not having a sexx life has saved me a lot of money on razors.