Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

   Most girls want a polite thug... A dude who will open the door for her but will still smack that ass as she walks past.

   A girl just asked what I would call a girl who would do just about anything sexually on the first date. I told her I would call her... immediately!!!!

   The term "swag" was invented in the 60s by a group of gay men as an acronym for "Secretly We Are Gay." No wonder Justin Bieber thinks he has so much of it.

   If I don't mention you, then the tweet wasn't about you. But if the shoe fits, then lace that bltch up and wear it.

   If you have to "take a break" then you two are NOT together. Timeouts are for sports, not relationships.

   Pop a molly? Why don't some of you hoes start poppin birth control.

   That "Free Smells" sign they hang in the window at Jimmy John's sandwich shops? Yeah, it's a lie. They totally asked me to leave.

   "Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook!

   The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to his wife or girlfriend. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.

   I bought a book entitled "How to Have a Good Personality." It's a gift for my ex.

   Remember to wish your dad a happy Father's Day, as well as thanking him for not wiping you up in a tissue.

   If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.

   one male, one female, one ex trying to mess it up and one friend secretly hoping it ends.

   Someone should check on Tyler Perry. He hasn't released a movie in like a week.

   I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.

   You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.

   I hate when babies wear really baggy diapers and try to act all street.

   Babies are the 2 extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.

   I’m so tired. Almost time to crawl into bed and not be able to sleep for three hours.