Funny Status Messages

   clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am stuck in the middle... with the rest of the citizens that would like to FIRE THE WHOLE STINKIN LOT OF YOU! Wow, that felt pretty good.

   I believe the stud finder is the most self-esteem raising carpentry tool

   Ok my Guardian Angel, if you're out there, and if you're listening.. Please listen to this one: "I want to keep her, for life"

   sometimes Captain America has to call Captain Canada for help, like if he needs to convert miles into kilometers.

   Censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself.

   Today, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.

   The latest breakthrough in single-ply toilet paper ? My index finger.

   I read a story Thursday about things you shouldn't buy used, such as child car seats, plasma TVs and vacuum cleaners. Good advice, but condoms and toilet paper would have been at the top of my list.

   Tapping melons with your knuckles is a good way of making your selection in the store, but apparently it's frowned upon at the strip club.

   A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

   #AmyWinehouse Cremated...emergency response team called during cremation the crowd outside heard a huge explosion and started to smell Crack

   Way to sully the Forever 27 club Amy Winehouse. I hope Kurt, Jimmy, and Jim Morrison run train on your skanky ass

   Coming home from work today, I just saw a guy sitting in a rowbaot in his front yard in the rain with a case of budligtht. Even though I've never met him, I'm convinced that he's good people

   If days of the week were people, Mondays would be gingers

   Some people run marathons, I watch them on my couch. Indiana Jones on Syfy!!!

   Dear girl at the bar with the smokin body, long tan legs and amazing knockers, your face looks like a man so I bet you get it from behind a lot. #KeepinItReal

   Be careful about the type of relationship you get yourself into. Don't be what they need, be what they want. There is a huge difference.

   wishes all the mourners outside Amy Winehouse's home would please form a line? After all it's what she would've wanted.

   August 2: the date when the federal government is forecast to hit the debt limit and see all new loans cut off. Falls during "Simplify Your Life Week." Really?

   I test my jokes on my dog, if he wags his tail - they make the cut.