Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Your ex will leave you, talk bad about you, act like they never knew you, miss you, hit you up and wonder why you don't reply... F*CK YOU

   I hate when I'm admiring my good looks from a car's window reflection and the people inside think I'm staring at them.

   I was driving the other day and I didn't stop at a stop sign, A police car pulled me over and a police man got out and asked "Did you see that stop sign?" Apparently I shouldn't have said "Yeah, but I didn't see you."

   My friend told me, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." So I hit him with a dictionary on his head - that showed him.

   How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?

   It takes 17 muscles to smile but it only takes 1 finger to show the world how you feel.

   A Mslim stopped me in the street and asked me for my thoughts on Muhammad, Allah and the Qur'an. I said, "He's probably the greatest boxer who ever lived, and I don't give a f*ck what car he drove.

   Monday,.. that better not be your ugly ass I see peeking around the corner!

   I didn't reply to your text because I never got it. I also didn't like some of the things it said.

   A good relationship is not without struggle – it's knowing how to struggle.

   Spray tans, for those who can't get a real tan because they think the sun shines out of their ass.

   How to politely answer to an insult: "I would love to insult you, but I'm afraid I won't do as good as nature did..."

   I farted on the bus today and 4 people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice!

   I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.

   That'll teach the bltch to keep the house in the divorce... Before I left, I set 3 white rats free in the house with 1, 2, & 4 written on their backs.

   I went shopping and forgot my phone. It's sad when you can't update your stat us. I just started yelling out my status every 20 min. or so. I picked up 3 followers. I think 2 of them were cops though.

   "Excuse me ma'am... I'd like to return this Dream Catcher." "Sir, that's a dead bird caught in a spider web." "Where's your manager!?"

   Balloons are so weird. It's like, "Happy Birthday! Here's a plastic bag full of my breath.... enjoy."

   "Bae" means "before anything else" I always thought it was a ghetto word for "babe"

   I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.