Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Ladies, I'm already fat, so you know what I'll look like after we get married.

   Been watching two black guys shake hands for the past 37 minutes.

   My neighbor bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now she can't sneak up on the cat to put it on him.

   I never judge people by the way they look. Which, in your case, must be a relief.

   What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.

   Life is about kicking ass, not kissing it.

   I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

   before you judge me, please understand that I don't give a crap what you think.

   One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole day is a good day.

   Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.

   A report indicates V iagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. So guys, you can have sex, but you can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, V iagra sales have skyrocketed.

   You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.

   I just seen someone update their status on Facebook to "I Wish Every Guy Was Like Jack From The Titanic." What... Dead at the bottom of the ocean?

   I'm thinking of getting a tattoo saying, "I'll regret this one day"

   Ghetto people are always naming their kids after stuff they cant afford: Mercedes, Diamond, Bentley, Pearl, Light Bill, Rent, Car Insurance.

   I wish a girl would invite me in her house and not give me that ass.... B*tch I'm slamming doors, banging pots and blowing the horn when I leave.

   Fake eyelashes are okay if they look natural, but some of you women look like you gonna take flight if you blink too fast.

   99 problems.... but a blessing will come.

   Drake music be having you missing somebody else's ex.

   I don’t understand why some people are SO obsessed about having friends…. Last time I checked caskets didn’t come with bunk beds…. f*ck em.