Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Attn BP: When this is all over, will the Gulf of Mexico be regular, midgrade or premium?

   If at the end of your life you have no regrets, you did it wrong.

   I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes - "open bar"

   I bet you're one of those people who take speed limit signs seriously.

   If love is blind, and hate is deaf, you would think stupid would be mute and yet she just keeps on talking...

   I signed into Facebook so I could find out where all my friends will be this weekend. I now have a list of places to avoid. Strategery, folks.

   I hate those ambulances that drive really slow with with their sirens on. There's one behind me now. So annoying.

   Rule of thumb when hitting on co-workers... if you're cute, it's flirting. If you're not... it's sexual harrassment.

   KY should just go ahead and make lip gloss already.

   Does Facebook ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, I don't care who changed their profile picture?

   Woke up this morning on a hotel room floor laying on a make-shift bed I made entirely out of a tuxedo and towels. Still not quite sure where my pants are. God I love weddings.

   if you want me to go running with you, I'm going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.

   Getting older means I no longer have the energy to do many of the things I enjoy in life, for example being awake.

   Many great discoveries are made by not following instructions.

   A friend of mine bought an iPod Touch. I checked it out... It's just like an iPhone, but you can't make calls. No wait, it's exactly like an iPhone.

   Just read that Facebook has reached 500 million users. Congrats to everyone who helped create history's largest stalker.

   Trust me. Tight fit jeans and loose fit skin are one bad combination.

   I'm kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now.

   Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.

   I tried, I really did. I threw my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn't care. It's not working!