GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Volkswagen should bring back the Beetle as an electric car. They can call it the Lightning Bug.

   Told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here. You just won't see me.

   What is the fastest way to calm a woman down when she is angry?

   I told the waitress my steak was bad. She picked it up, slapped it, put it down and said, "If it gives you more trouble let me know".

   If a liars pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun!

   Clocks go back on November 3. I hope mine goes back to when people had morals, values, loyalty, appreciation, and respect.

   People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.

   I really used to hate speed bumps. But now I'm slowly getting over them.

   n't it funny how sharks can smell blood, dogs can smell drugs - but some people can't smell themselves when they need deodorant?

   One of the biggest lies I tell myself: I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.

   Don't forget to buy your Halloween candy early so you have time to buy more after you eat it all.

   There should be a reality show where flat-earthers search for the edge of the world.

   I'm on my second guardian angel. My first one quit and is now in therapy.

   The next time you visit someone with an Alexa, secretly say, "Alexa, set 3am alarm with horror movie sound effects".

   The part of my morning routine that takes the longest is deciding to get up.

   Starting today, anyone who even mildly annoys me is having their number handed out to every child I come across, and told that it's Santa's hotline.

   Groceries are so high that Thanksgiving is looking like taco Thursday this year.

   A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said, "Thank God for that! What are they?"

   I'm really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. I'm really glad you can see 92 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

   Officer: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I kinda feel like that's your job.