Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   My dad gave me some advice a few years ago. He said, "Allan, if you ever get into a fight in the bar, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock." Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk.

   "Hello modelling agency?" "Yeah, my Facebook photo has 27 likes and I think I'm ready to go pro."

   If your kids don't shut the hell up and rock when "Sad But True" starts playing, you've failed them as a parent.

   Peanut butter is the cheese of the candy world

   I just pissed so hard a little bit of laugh came out

   If I ever find out who keeps Photoshoping that Channing Tatum loser's head on my body... I'M SUING!

   I copied and pasted your pic of what you ate...and got MORE "likes" than you did. :P

   How many light bulbs does it take to change people...

   WARNING...If you are on my friends list and we have NEVER spoken to one another AND you don't bother to "like" one of my status updates... I am not gonna do sh*t.... because I am FAR too lazy.

   What's on your mind they said. Share how you're feeling they said. Only to find out that all we have said and done... will be stored for generations to see... "Hey let's check out all the funny things Grampa did when he was young. Whoa! Such a perv!"

   I'm learning Spanish! Lesson 1 is pronunciation. So far I know "huh", "I'm sorry what" & "Can you say that again please"

   I always yell at Chinese people walking their dogs because it's rude to play with your food.

   I think I will get a piece of canvas and draw a face with my left hand and my eyes closed, splash it with purple, red and black paint, call it "Disconnected" or some such crap... Sell it for 1.8 million and retire.... That's my plan.

   In 1987, my teacher made me write 'I must hand my work in on time' five hundred times. Pointless activity, if you ask me, but anyway... I'm finally done.

   I have a feeling that whoever coined the phrase "it's what's on the inside that matters" was talking about drug mules.

   "Hello 911?" "There's a guy on TV that wants me to feed kids in Africa 15 pennies a day and I'd like to file a complaint... Yes, I'll hold."

   I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.

   my ex texted me like, "You can delete my number." I texted back like "Who this?"

   I just want to live in a world where Chicken Pot Pies don't take 45 damn minutes to bake. Scientists, drop what you're doing.

   Some day I will climb into the back of a taxi in the pouring rain and the driver will say "Where to buddy?" and I will say "Just drive."