Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect it back.

   Daily Random 'F*ck You': To those people that get a puppy or kitten because they're so cute but then get rid of them when they grow into adult animals, F*CK YOU!

   Man talking with his friend: "My wife died yesterday, I'm trying to cry but tears are not coming out, what should I do?" Friend: "That's simple. Just imagine she is coming back."

   Sometimes, I'll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it'd be cool if you moved out Amy."

   Dear Heart, Please stop breaking, you weren’t made in China.

   If you recieve something that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend.

   I would rather have a life full of scars than one full of fear.

   “I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullsh*t”

   “Look at my face, does it look like I care?” – “Well by looking at your face, God didn’t care either.”

   Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber and One Direction walk into a bar. There's no punchline because ruining music isn't funny......

   I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the 'Downward Dog' on top of another person.

   It seems like my life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.

   I don't argue with people who I can remove from my life by pressing a button.

   I just launched a new fragrance! - a great way to announce a fart

   When I die I want Charlie Sheen's life to flash before my eyes.

   I've recently nicknamed my girlfriend 'auto-correct', because she constantly tries to interfere with what I want to say.

   If Eve doomed the entire human race for an apple, what would she do for a Klondike bar?

   How do you know if you're an attention seeking b*tch? Check your Facebook status, and if it reads something like 'having the worst day ever!" ... Bingo.

   Hate it when girls make me do the walk of shame in the morning. So embarrassing circling my own apartment waiting for them to leave.

   A police officer stopped me last night whilst I was driving home from the bar. "Do you know why I was following you?" he asked. "Because my Facebook Stastus are funny?" I replied, absolutely hammered.