Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   I wasn't born to kiss anyone's ass. If you want someone to obey and follow you, you should probably get a dog.

   "That's it. Nice and slow." "Don't stop. Just keep going." "You've almost got it. A little slower." "Oh my God! Slow down! Slow down!" Brace yourself!" And that's about how it goes when I let her drive.

   At the bank, I told the cashier, "I'd like to open a joint account please." "OK with whom?" Whoever has lots of money.

   Back in my day, I had to listen to my friends complain about their problems for hours, on a phone, connected to a wall... knowing they would ignore my advice and make a bad decision no matter what the hell I said. Now I can just log off Facebook.

   Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.

   I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underpants looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.

   The world is our oyster (aphrodisiacs) which means the world makes us horny. and that is why it is perfectly natural that we should have sex right here, right now, and yet, in spite of the validity of my argument, this pickup line does not work.

   OK scientists... Bacon flavored soda... and go

   When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and break down crying.

   Snookie should have named her son Oscar because he spent 9 months living in a garbage can.

   I just invented a cell phone that looks like a beer can. Now all you idiots can look cool when you take your picture in a mirror

   You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.

   We're all part of the WTF generation: Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.

   Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I'd have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.

   I have a tool for everything in my shed. Including the tool to open the lock when I lose my key ...

   My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the drain is clogged again."

   During sex, you burn as many calories as running 5 miles. Who the hell runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?!

   My boss accuse me of being immature, but I had my hands over my ears and told him I wasn't listening.

   My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, "Yo, I can't fcking sleep." "Well it's your lucky day," I said, "I've got a party going on in here, come in."

   Valentine's Day is the day that the “V” and “D” come together ...