Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   it too much to ask for an attractive hot stalker....I mean, come on, seriously!

   For sale: one toilet, one toilet seat and one roll of toilet paper. Because I just don't give a sh*t.

   Say "cheese!" cuz I want you to look like a complete idiot in this picture.

   Dear Dude, who's slowly walking towards me at the park bench, dragging his one leg and can't keep his balance. Please be drunk and not a zombie.

   All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.

   Not making a Mexican joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

   How much longer do you guys think Renée Zellweger can hold in that fart ?

   Ladies: Nothing says "B*tch Don't F*ck With Me" more than, tucking your tampon behind your ear like a cigarette.

   Do you know what keeps me up at night? Knowing some of you guys are real.

   - You don't update your stat us much anymore. "I know" - Why? "I don't know" - Is everything alright? "Can't You Just Be Happy for Me!?"

   The Mayans have predicted that the world will end on December 21st 2012. I keep thinking I should make some kind of preparation for survival. But then I've only just finished the last can of baked beans I bought for the Millennium Bug.

   To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.

   The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren't going to see me 7 more times before then.

   When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.

   A lot of people will disappoint you in life. Don't let any of them be you.

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway.

   The world isn't going to end today. Anyway, I'll check the status of my joke after the Winter Solstice, I can't get a signal in my nuclear bomb shelter...

   My buddy asked me, "What are 5 things you would take with you in a zombie apocalypse?" I replied, "That's simple. 5 people slower than me!"

   Tip for the ladies: If you want a man to leave you alone at a bar, don't tell him you have a boyfriend. They don't care.Tell him you have a pen is.

   Dear Santa, Please send your credit card numbers. it's only fair since you're getting the credit for the gifts, that you should start paying for them also.