life Funny Status Messages

   I've seen a lot of great photos of babies in my life, so if you want my "like" on Facebook you better bring it.

   So I guess Wells Fargo bank is hiring in case you need a job and don't hate your life enough already.

   Visited a horse farm for the first time in my life yesterday and asked if the place the horses stay is called a neigh-borhood. I need to get out more.

   In hindsight life was better when we could only take 12, 24 or 36 pictures at a time and we paid to print them. Even if doubles WERE free.

   Life is like a picnic: there are ants, hornets, bad potato salad, locked public bathrooms when your kid can't hold it, people, spotty cell recep......

   Before you give up in life, remember that the hair in your anus grows despite it's environment. So stay strong and never give up.

   Don't worry. There will be a time in your life, too, when the phrase "Get up and go" takes on a whole new meaning....

   OK .... You know your life is shallow if Chick - Fill - A is a major concern in your life

   Most murder victims are killed by someone they know. So stay safe by living a life of heartbreaking solitude, devoid of human contact.

   Too old for snapchat and too young for Life Alert.

   I try not to think about things I can't control like war and poverty and my personal life.

   The best way to cook ramen noodles is to boil water, add noodles, wait three minutes, then try not to think about your life.

   Listen, I could have gone my whole life without hearing the term "fecal transplant" and I wouldn't have regretted it.

   Bouncing happily through life on a pogo stick made of delusion.

   Guarantees in life: 1) Death. 2) A restaurant server will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill.

   Hangman is a great tool to teach children that if you can't spell a word, someone could lose their life because of their ignorance.

   If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave..

   Life has given me many scars. And by 'life' I mean my (several) attempts at rollerblading.

   If anyone needs me, I'll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

   Some people are only lovable online and should never be met in real life.