Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Thanks to the economic crisis, bartending got upgraded from a job to a career.

   Relationships are fine, if you're into sober sex.

   Kick the tires and light the fires, Israel. No point in waiting for a supportive US president now. Go Nuke Iran.

   Don't worry, some people are their own punishment in life.

   My life's one long beer commercial.

   The best way to deliver bad news is a message frosted onto a cake. "You want a divorce?!" "Yeah, and a slice with a flower on it."

   Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'

   This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adult table. That's 'cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.

   In case you were wondering how desirable I am, I once won 2nd place in a beauty pageant. OK, it was while I was playing Monopoly but it still counts dammit.

   Oh crap... you said laser tag? I thought it was taser tag. Well hopefully that kid wakes up soon... sorry about that.

   I think if I ever win the lottery I'm gonna get all my ex girlfriends incorporated into a life size whack-a-mole game.

   The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....

   Hey Australians, if you don't stop an end of the world status midsentence on December 21st to freak out Americans you guys are more mature than me.

   I'm that guy that carries a boombox on his shoulder at funerals with "Circle of Life" ready to play in case a pregnant woman gives birth.

   It's funny how some people are all nice and humble on Thanksgiving... Then less than 12 hours later flip like a light switch and start throwing elbows into people's throats to get a TV.

   I'm no relationship scientist but I think men prefer girls who make their dck hard, not their life.

   People assume when I yawn that I've lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.

   I want to be rich enough to appreciate ugly art.

   Facebook makes me feel like I'm right at home. Nobody cares what I have to say over there either.

   I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don't understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.