hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   The hardest part of halloween is making those skeletons stay in my closet where they belong

   I tought my niece well, when we were carving our pumpkin I heard her wisper to it "that's what happens to snitches"

   If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!

   Judge told me I had to go to the DMV to get a "blow and go" I was so excited I ran to the hottest girl at the DMV. Now waiting for a bail bondsman because apparently our definitions of a blow and go are waaaay different

   I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.

   Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.

   ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them

   Accidentally wore a red shirt & khaki pants to Target today &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

   If you posted that worthless legal disclaimer on your Facebook page, you might also want to spray paint your name on your garbage cans.

   If you see someone using a payphone, there is a 97% chance you can buy drugs from them.

   freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door

   My retirement plan is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right.

   Move your office desk into the elevator and ask people who get on if they have an appointment.

   I'm surprised more people don't Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.

   When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.

   I don't care how old I am. If I lose my mother in a super market I'm going to panic.

   I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom's bedroom. I can't believe it.. She's a superhero!

   My ring tone is a woman faintly screaming 'Help me, Superman. Help me!' and then I run away, unexplained.

   You find out who your real friends are when all you have left to offer is friendship.

   A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart while sitting on Mall Santa's lap, Real Santa will bring you extra presents.