flinnie Funny Status Messages

   When I watch "Footloose" all I can think is, "They allow dancing one town over. Just go there."

   If these walls could talk, they'd say "OH GOD, This HURTS! Get these nails out of me! Why did you paint me Mauve? Make it stop!"

   I encourage more people to become hipsters. Eventually, it will make them mainstream and the self loathing can truly begin.

   A woman gave birth shortly after finishing the Chicago Marathon on Sunday. And that's why I don't run marathons

   I really hope my death certificate doesn't read "Buried Alive".

   How do all these "as a busy mom" moms get time to record commercials?

   Most of the time, I'd RATHER talk to the hand.

   If you're out somewhere and can't find your wife or girlfriend and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there. She'll find you immediately

   As a parent, I appreciate how Sesame Street glosses over the Count killing and feeding upon other muppets to survive.

   Celebrity Divorce is sad, but not as sad as non-celebrities who care about Celebrity Divorce.

   I'm at that stage where I have the wardrobe of a skateboarder and the hairline of someone who yells at skateboarders.

   Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend's diet coke. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.

   Hey, people who jog in place when you're at a red light. Calm down. We're already judging you. Don't give us more ammo

   If there's anything better than yelling at squirrels, I'd sure like to know what it is.

   If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out

   There is probably a lot of ATM security camera footage of me rocking out.

   My wife watches cooking shows constantly, I don't get it because her cooking isn't any better. I'm sure she feels the same way about me and porn.

   They should let the guy who named a group of crows a "murder" name more stuff.

   Autocorrect is like that person who just graduated college and think they know everything.

   When I die, I want my last words to be: "I left a million dollars under the...."