StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   Found a bag of marijuana at work last week, and like any responsible employee, I disposed of it. In a series of small fires

   Every morning you are handed 24 golden hours. They are one of the few things in this world that you get free of charge. If you had all the money in the world, You couldn't buy an extra hour. What will you do with this priceless treasure..

   A tongue has no bones but it’s really strong enough to break a heart.

   Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am, and my attitude depends on who you are.

   You can tell my girlfriend's really Japanese because her genitals produce a forcefield that pixelates the air around them

   I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked, "How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my sex," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?" B*tch.

   My roommate is on a date and said he's convinced she's coming home with him tonight. I've covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.

   Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying "sorry breaking up with you" or that a minute later she text me back "sorry wrong number."

   I wouldn't make it very long as a tattoo artist because I would always be asking "You're kidding me, right, you want that?"

   Some days I hate getting up for work, but then I think oh well, only another 40 years to go, and that always cheers me up.

   Pregnant Kim Kardashian is moaning in a magazine, "Nothing looks good on me" I disagree. A grand piano dropped from a considerable height would.

   I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no f*cking money in there.

   I wish the bags under my eyes had weed in them.

   I got a call today from a distorted voice saying "Five grand in cash, or we kill your wife" Both options were tempting, but I decided to take the money.

   People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards.

   Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of Oklahoma. I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.

   Facebook needs a 'Wow that's the dumbest f*cking thing I've ever heard, you should be punched in the throat' button.

   11 year old kids making Facebook accounts. What the hell are you gonna post about? 'Just got the new 64 Crayola pack......with the sharpener!'

   I hate when girls post about their relationship all day. B*tch no one gives a f*ck if your boyfriend bought you a bagel.

   "What do we want?" "Hearing aids." "When do we want them?" "Hearing aids."