Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

   Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.

   What is this world coming to?! Who names their little girl Justin? Mrs. Bieber you have some explaining to do!

   There's plenty of room for all God's creatures... right next to the mashed potatoes.

   I have kleptomania. When it gets really bad, I take something for it.

   Anyone fancy a 68??? It's like a 69 except you go down on me and I owe you one!!

   Diamonds are a girls best friend. They last forever. Dogs are a mans best friend. They age faster than humans and lick their own ass! Any questions??

   Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

   Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a$$holes I work with.

   Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a$$holes I work with.

   I wish God wouldn't have hidden all of my talents so well...

   Facebook is becoming the grown-up version of the "Do you like me? Yes. No. Circle one" letter we passed around in grade school.

   Why is it that the people who tell you to relax are almost always the source of your anxiety?

   My job on Fridays: Working just hard enough that the screen-saver doesn't come on.

   Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

   Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.

   Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

   I've invented a new low-intensity cardio workout that requires me to lay completely still on the couch.

   I've been embraced by reality... does anyone know how to make it let go?

   I am a kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.