JAKE Funny Status Messages

   My wife jabbers so much that when we go to the beach, she has to put suntan lotion on her tongue.

   I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.

   Boss at meeting said it would nice if you employees would start showing me a little respect. One employee replied oh we show you as little respect as possible.

   Play boy no longer have nude models...... What is this world coming to.

   Most licenses expire..... Except for the one most husbands wish would.

   Ladies, you can tell that your boyfriend really likes you when he removes the dirty dishes from the kitchen sink before peeing in it.

   Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.

   What dad's really would like for father'r day. To be left alone so they can drink their beer in peace.

   Who's your daddy takes on a whole new meaning in the ghetto.

   I think I have alzheimer's

   Bummer is being sick on your day off.

   If you go to sleep at 6am, is that going to sleep early or late?

   When someone says "good luck with that" are they being nice or sarcastic?

   My memory is so bad that.............

   I never go to bed with ugly women. But somehow I wake up with them.

   I've been hard at work all day today. I accidentally took a viagra pill in stead of my vitamin this morning.

   The one good thing about an egotist. They don't talk about other people.

   Getting married is the second most popular thing we do in our lifetime. Getting divorce is the first.

   What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo recieves before leaving the factory? Two test-tickles.

   Went to a costume party dressed as a chicken. Ment a girl dressed as an egg. We spent the night at my place. And I found out the answer to that old question. It was the chicken.