Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Just got the giant cardboard check folded up and crammed in my wallet from the Publishing Clearinghouse Sweepstakes I won from 1996.

   A true friend will bring you fresh underwear and shorts after you've accidentally sh*t yourself and not tell anyone. On an unrelated note, is anyone near El Amigo not doing anything?

   The people of Colorado and Washington State are opting for a less traditional Thanksgiving dinner this year: Turkey. Pot. Pie.

   The best moves in life are made in silence. Don't talk about it. Just do it and let them talk about it. Failure talks. Success walks.

   Just a thought but if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie problem?

   Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called “I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to make it happen.”

   Inspirational stat us: Today's probably going to suck. Don't be a little b*tch and handle that sh*t.

   Thinking about suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.

   Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter.

   If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

   Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time!

   My girlfriend just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.

   WHAT? 10 TO 20!?! FOR SELLING HO HO'S ON THE BLACK MARKET!!! ... Whooooa, your honor, there has been a BIG misunderstanding here...

   I'm pretty sure that if more states had legalized marijuana, Twinkies would have been saved.

   My Ex once got bit by a rattle snake. After 3 days of pain and agony the snake died.

   Organized people are just people who are too lazy to look for things.

   We need to come up with a medical term for that feeling that you get on a Sunday night, knowing that you'll be back at work for another week come Monday morning. And quickly, because I need to phone in sick for tomorrow.

   The people at the pet store sure do get mad when you walk in dressed as Mario and start hitting turtles with a big hammer

   China is the only country that gets to have towns in just about every city in the world.

   Knowing that you don't understand women is understanding women. Thanks Socrates.