Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   30 Days Of Gratitude: Day 14: You're all welcome. (Am I doing it right?)

   Being a man is great until you hear a noise late at night and realize you are the one that has to go investigate...

   So when a woman says "I'm fine" am I supposed to buy flowers, chocolates or both?

   Just took a photo of myself naked. A hundred 'likes' within the next hour, or I'll post it.

   Seriously, if Liam Neeson was my dad I'd start so much crap with people...

   Dec 21st falls on a Friday... What a sh*tty way to start the weekend..

   Screw you IHOP...why the hell am I banned? The waitress clearly asked me where I wanted the whipped cream... I just showed her.

   My girlfriend surprised me with bubble wrap panties last night. Lets just say it was fun Popping ........that Coochie!

   All my life I thought air was free.... until I bought a bag of potato chips

   I'm not saying I'm a celebrity or something, but I was asked to autograph receipts at 3 separate bars tonight.

   You Mexican people and your crazy customs, what does a sink full of mayonnaise have to do with independence?

   I really wanted to tell someone how much I appreciated them but then I realized cake had no ears :(

   You know that moment when you look into your girlfriend's eyes and know exactly what she is thinking? ...well could you tell me what that is like because I have no idea what the hell is in her brain.

   I'm really sorry LMFAO, I'm gonna have to start shuffling every other day. The soles of my shoes are wearing out too quickly.

   If you don't like seeing me naked in the morning... then I suggest you change the timer on your lawn sprinkler system!

   Anti-virus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges. If they catch him I guess the trial will last 30 days.

   I called my doctor and told her I have an erection that's lasted longer than 4 hours. We're meeting for drinks in 30 minutes.

   I just tried drinking orange juice with pulp in it and I finally understand why women don't like to swallow...

   After watching E.T. I'm kinda skeptical. If I found an alien in my shed I'd probably be more likely to beat the crap out of it with a shovel than give it Reese's Pieces.

   Just flossed my teeth with a peace of thread from this ladies snagged sweater... in case you were looking for someone with mad MacGyver skills.