Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Listening to Obama talk about the economy is like listening to a chick talk about football.

   Can we please stop calling them 'hipsters' and go back to calling them 'pu$$ies?'

   Hey, do you have change for a $20? $20's are change, bro.

   It's drizzy outside, expect a Lil Wayne.

   I don't care how hot she is, dumb is not sexy.

   If I could choose between world peace and a reasonable fortune, my first Lambo would be red.

   if you have a job where you have to wear a nametag, nobody gives a sh!t what your name is.

   When life gives you lemons, order the lobster tail.

   It's really funny to see a cat fall off a bed, til it grabs your leg.

   Every time traffic policemen stops me they ask if I have drunk anything. But no one ever asked me if I had eaten anything.

   Siri is the only form of intelligent communication I've talked to on my phone since October 4, 2011.

   Kids hate it when they open their new toy only to find out that batteries are not included. So do women.

   Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless your problem is obesity...

   Only 16 more days for December to Remember that, no one loves you enough to buy you a Lexus.

   I remember when Santa said I was to old to sit on his lap. Well that was last year, this year I am wearing a disguise.

   I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food... I dont even know where sandwiches live!

   The moment when your sense of smell kicks in is the exact same time that hearing the dog fart stops being funny.

   There needs to be a new traffic light color. Something like blue that means "Hey, stop texting. The light's about to turn Green."

   To the people who have birthdays this week... your parents sure know how to celebrate Valentine's Day!

   My girlfriend does this awesome trick with a cherry stem in her mouth. She doesn't talk for about 7 minutes.