Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

   All your depressing status es are cheering me up. Thanks, ...Keep it up.

   Having mutual friends with someone does not mean you should add them on Facebook. It's like a stranger knocking on your door and saying, "Hey we both know Mike, John, and Sara. You mind if I come in?"

   Just saw a laundry soap advertisement showing how it can even remove dried up blood stains off of clothing. If you're clothing is covered in dried blood, I'm thinking that's not your biggest problem.

   My bud just updated his Facebook status: "I love my girlfriend so much. You are my world xxxxx." I wonder why her name's encrypted.

   "Hurricane Sandy roars up the east coast generating 80mph winds and substantial precipitation." Big deal. Want to impress me? Stand directly in front of my GF after I come home drunk from the bar at 3am for more then 5 minutes.

   A salesman knocks on the door of a home, and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a burning cigar in one hand and half a bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Is your mom or dad home? " The boys says , "Does it look like it?"

   This year for Halloween I'm handing out Chocolate & Caramel covered Onions. Halloween is fun.

   They say you are what you eat. I don't recall eating a legend.

   Halloween: The only night of the year a girl can dress up like a complete slut and not have her motives questioned.

   Thank you Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!!!

   Girls during Halloween have Definitely made new meaning to Trick. Or Treat...

   A pinata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.

   I've given out the same candy for over 5 Halloweens now. It's a Jolly Rancher... on a string.

   I'm ashamed of this but one Halloween I handed out bouillon cubes. Ha! Joking. I'm not ashamed, it was hilarious.

   Last time I went "trick or treating" for Halloween, I got so high beforehand that I just stood on my own porch ringing the doorbell all night.

   Christmas shopping done.... I got everyone a box with a note in it that reads. "Sorry, the world was suppose to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans!"

   it "for f*cks sake" or "for f*ck sake"? It's for work, so I want to make sure this e-mail is professional...

   You make a valid point, but there is a major flaw in your argument. You assume that I'm listening to you.

   I just invented a time machine for you so that you can travel back in time and, quite literally, go f*ck yourself. Twice.