Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Hey ladies, tired of your boyfriend complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.

   If me and you are ever in an argument and it becomes obvious that I am clearly wrong.... plz don't gloat.... just ask the guy with the eye patch!

   anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn't matter what. I just need something to drink to.

   My doctor gave me a prescription for anti-depression meds but my Bartender is having a hard time reading his writing...

   'Put that down you fat piece of sh*t' - the title of the dieting book I'm writing.

   Why do people say ''I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?

   You wouldn't believe how long it took me to post this from my new Progresso phone can!

   I printed your status on toilet paper so I can wipe my ass with it.

   Pet peeve: Toilets that flush for me the moment I stand up. I'd like to see the work I've done before it is instantly taken away from me.

   Ladies, it's common courtesy to let a guy know you're on your period before replying 'yes' to that "Lets chill" text.

   If you never whined and begged your mom for a quarter to put in the trinket machine in the front of the grocery store and then ended up chasing a bouncy ball down isle 9 and knocking over a pyramid of potted meat then your childhood probably sucked.

   Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.

   Kissing is weird as hell. "Um I really like you so I'm going to taste the inside of your face for a little while."

   if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.

   Almost a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It's a good thing our schools and economy are in great shape or I'd be mad.

   It's that time of year again. Scary decorations, terrifying advertising, and random people going door to door. Election season.

   Don't worry about where I got the tennis ball shooter. Do you want to fill it with meatballs and fire it at fat kids or not?

   Fun game: Send texts to random numbers saying "OK they're Dead, what should I do with the bodies?"

   Don't think we didn't notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.

   "Please scream as loud as you possibly can," says the dentist to his patient. "Why should I do that?" "The waiting room's full and the football game's on in ten minutes."