Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.

   Every person has a story to tell, which is why I avoid talking to most people.

   If I look tired at the end of the day, it's because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.

   If there's a law against showing boobs on TV, then what's with all these campaign ads?

   Noah from (Notebook) sent 365 letters to Ally. That's one letter a day for a year and you can't even send me ONE TEXT MESSAGE. B*tch swerve.

   The iPhone 5 better be waterproof, fireproof, crack proof, dirt proof, bulletproof, and be able to charge itself and cook for me.

   My ex sent me a picture to remind of what I'm giving up. I sent her a picture of my new girl so she knows I don't give a crap...

   Women, will you PLEASE tell your breasts to stop staring at my Eyes!? It's very offputting! How Rude!

   If Lindsay Lohan made it through her cracked-out bleached-blonde lesbian jailbird phase, you can make it through today.

   Sex isn't sex without hair pulling, ass grabbing, neck holding, legs folding, lip biting, neck sucking, pillow biting, back scratching, etc.

   After being ignored by my GF for a full week, the only communication being a yes or a no, I've learnt a very valuable lesson about women. When they tell you they don't want anything for their birthday, they don't mean it.

   That jackass who called me childish at work earlier is going to regret it. Just wait till I tell my dad.

   The difference between politicians and prostitutes is, though they'll both take your money and f*ck you, prostitutes will actually give some satisfaction.

   There's nothing wrong with my attitude. It's in full working order.

   I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

   I just put a childproof lock on my liquor cabinet. No, I don't have any kids... I just installed it to remind myself of what it can lead to.

   Just walked in the room and the girl on the news was saying"we like it to be at least 10 inches but we prefer it to be longer than 12 inches.She was talking about people donating hair.Thank goodness.

   Fake Love: Her: Good morning love of my life, beat of my heart. Him: God morning sunshine, reason I live. True Love: Her: coffee if you want it. Him: Ehhhh.

   I'm sorry but if someone busted out of my birthday cake, they better have another cake in their hands because I really like cake.

   Eighteen is too young to get married! You can't even buy alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?