hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)

   I can't believe our parents used to have to sit & wait for someone to develop their film before they could show off pictures of their food.

   I just gave the guy who called with the wrong number and woke up my newborn the Liam Niesen speech from Taken.

   it sad that the plans I make after work depend on how much charge I have left in my phone battery?

   I'd like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

   You would think these "self checkout" lanes at walmart would have a curtain or something....this is embarassing :-[

   Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

   If sober me won't do it...drunk me will.

   Occasionally, I like to go to walmart, buy a jar of Vaseline, a cucumber and a Bottle of Gin and wink at the cashier

   When the car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a bit so the cars behind me can see I'm not causing the traffic.

   The doctor said I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle

   I'm going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837.

   My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it's because she's a big dumb stinkyhead that's jealous of my awesome Transformers collection

   I like to go to Best Buy and drink a cup of coffee in front of the Geek Squad guys then hand them my empty cup and tell them I successfully installed Java....they hate me

   Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they're not looking

   I wish "you dumbass" was an appropriate way to end a work email

   I didn't hear the sea when I held a Shell up. I did however get 6 years in jail for armed robbery on a Gas Station

   Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.

   When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.

   They need to make a commercial for the lottery that's all about a guy using the money for revenge.